today in lit...

"enter without so much as knocking?"
"cultural identity."
"the road to londinium?"
"cultural identity."
"...shit i wrote cultural identity down."
"victorian hangman trilogy?"
"cultural identity."
"..i wrote cultural identity again."
"the day they shot santa claus?"
"cultural identity.
"...we suck. i just wrote 'the day they shot cultural'."

5 min later...

"i wrote cultural identity down as one of the poems under cultural identity."

at the end of the lesson someone had written cultural identity mistakenly on her paper 3 times, the other wrote it once, and someone wrote it without even realizing her mistake.

the best part?

the three of us are all asians XD

when you're just getting by, its the littlest of things that count.

Thank you for love, no matter what its outcome,
that leads us to the window in the dark,
that adds another otherness to others.
'Definition of loving'; Bruce Dawe

i'm a plane in the sunset, with nowhere to land

she never cried in front of him, but he always knew when she had.

she never told him how she felt, but he knew how she hurt.

she never showed him what it was like, but he understood anyway.

she never spoke it out loud, but he heard it loud and clear.


because he didn't need to see it to realize all her dreams; he didn't need to be told, to know what she wanted. there never was a need for speech; he could feel her every sorrow. she cried alone in the dark at night, but morning brought his light.

and she wondered, at times, how he was always there to say the right words at just the right time. how could he always be there for her, when she was hardly there for him? his was unconditional, hers often preoccupied.

so she did question how he was always there to pick her up, how he knew what she was thinking, how he understood what she felt, how he could always cheer her up, make her laugh.

but the answer was simple. and all she had to do was ask.

he knew her.

he knows her.


because he loved her first, before she first loved him.

one thing made me smile on the inside today.

she wasnt feeling great at first, and i kinda knew it; though i didnt ask. she lacked the sparkle in her eye and her bounce.

later through some miracle called a boyfriend, she was her usual self again.

i signaled to her to ask if she was okay. she came over and gave me her warm, genuine smile and replied in a happy nod. "i'm okay now. but just now i was really not okay."

i told her i thought she wasnt fine. just had a hunch.

she gave me one of her hugs. one of those hugs that carried a message inside them. and she said, still hugging me,

"i know you know."

then she was back to normal. i didnt need to know what was bothering her. i just needed to know something did.

you really cant be happy when you know one of your friends isnt. and when you know they're genuinely happy when you're not, it makes you smile on the inside. and its a really nice feeling.

dont know why but typing this made me tear.

i like the rain. i want to sit out there in the pouring rain and let it wash over me.

i'll do that when i wont get killed by my parents for doing so. one day, one day.

and heaven - a state i never gave much heed
- now that it holds you, seems more real than earth

i'd imagine i'll feel exactly the same when someone i truly love dies.

photography makes me so happy. least its the only subject i'm actually doing well in, bahahhaa.

either we get both our computers up and running, or i need a laptop.

i want a hand to hold and ears that will listen to me. mmm.

she was surprised to see him. "shouldn't you be gone by now?"

"yeah," he said, with a small smile. "i'm leaving now. bet you're happy, huh."

"and i bet you're not," she grinned. "bet you're gonna miss me."

"you wish. no way in hell."

they glared at each other for a while, then he said softly "i don't want to start another argument or we'll be here all night."

"no, we wouldn't want that now, would we,"

"so i guess i'll see you when i see you, idiot."

"yeah," she said. "have fun. try to be less of a dumbass."

he smiled as he walked towards the door.
"take care of yourself ok, stupid?"

and then he was gone.

and i just wanna get mugged at knifepoint
to get cut enough to wake me up
cause i know that i dont wanna die
sitting around watching my life go by

today's a weird day.

feels like i've been taped up. people say its possible to break free in that whole dramatic act, but i'm weak and i know i cant do it. especially not when you're taped up tight. then how? sit and wait for someone to come and rip the tape apart. i wonder if its worse when you're not desperate to undo the tape yourself.

its funny, some people see it, some dont care, some want to help but dont know where to begin. then there are the few who just know exactly what to do. and they act in your best interests, whatever it may be.

-

i can finally display my candles. all those hidden beauties..mmm.

i'm taking the kids out in 15. they're younger, so i'm allowed to be charitable to them. they're almost taller than me, yet instead of looking down on me, they look up. i have a personal mission to camwhore as much as possible with them. whoring is always fun and very very retarded. with the 3 of us, that's highly possible.

its an average day for now.

i was talking to amy ytd in chem about the show Suddenly 30. it started off with her asking where i wanted to get married?? or something like that. and i said the only reason why i'd want to get married now is for the sake of taking wedding photos XD then i mentioned all the photo shoots in the show that were just..nice. and pretty. and something that i'd like to be a part of.

then she mentioned that she cried in the film. and it reminded me that i did, too. and i still remember why: it was the last part of the show when the girl's..hmm. happy for the guy, yet sad she missed the chance? that kind of feeling. and she goes,

"i love you." and is trying so hard to keep everything in.

and he simply says,

"i've always loved you."

that's when the floodgates burst. not just for the girl.

i guess we all like to hear sweet things from time to time. (mike, you know you are totally guilty of this) but especially when its unexpected, hmm, just makes it sweeter.

dont know what that movie is. i wouldnt classify it chick flick.

it has a really nice ending though.

i've realized.

nobody ever knows for sure that they're going to be ok.

but they say they will be anyway.

because nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow, what's going to happen in the next second. every moment is life-changing, no matter how insignificant it may seem now, whether you believe it or not. what you do now can and will have an effect on the final outcome of everything. it's bigger than us.

and we just don't want to face that.

which is why even though there's plenty of shit going on in the world, even though there are a lot of people worse off out there, the only person you are capable of feeling sorry for is yourself. yes, you care about others, you empathize with their plights, their circumstances are heart-wrenching, but in the end, you still feel as if you're going through shit that's bigger than everything else.

because it's about you.

and only you know what's going on in your life; how much crap you have to put up with everyday. nobody else can ever understand your pain and frustration, because they don't know and they don't bother to ask. all they care about is themselves and their own trivialities. they don't care about you at all.

they lie to your face when they tell you that you'll be ok, when inside, everyone knows you won't. so no, you're not going to be ok. and you refuse to lie to yourself.

why? because you are priority number one.

there's no caring just because you do, full stop. there's caring, then bringing back the shittiness you feel for others, adding it to your own, and feeling more shitty about it all which leads to more wallowing. and it's freaking depressing for yourself.

we all get caught up in ourselves sometimes. it's not something you can really control. it just happens, and unless you pull yourself out, you'll just burrow deeper into that little shithole of a pit you've fallen into.

tell yourself you will be ok.
lie.
because the truth is what you make of it, and maybe all you need to do is adjust your parameters a little to achieve another type of "okay" - not one that's better, or worse.
just different.


i don't even remember where this post was going. i don't remember why i started it, and i don't know how to end it.

i am okay. seriously. i am.
maybe i'm really deluded, but i honestly believe that i will be ok in the end. trust Him to make it work out. you don't necessarily need strength and perseverence and willpower to get through the hard stuff; sometimes all you need is a smile - the simplest thing in the world, and at the same time, the most difficult.


when the river starts to flow too fast, when it tosses us around, we don't give up and let it take us. we keep swimming. we have to.

but it's important that we swim in the right direction.

today on the news: FIRST ADOPTION BY GAY COUPLE.

i wonder how its like to be that kid. to grow up knowing you have slightly unusual parents. that you wont get to celebrate mother's day but you do, on the other hand, get to celebrate father's day twice. or why other kids have a mother and father while you dont. wonder how the kid's gonna grow up, and the teasing he/she will get when they're growing up. how they're going to fit into society. whether they'll hate their 'parents' for what they've done and for the harder life they're gonna have?

oh well.

dont feel like doing anything today. room's a bit stuffy now. computer outside died. hope my dad feels the need to buy another. hopefully before the holidays *crosses fingers*

ever imagined how your life would be in future? and when you idea comes into your head like it was taken directly off a TV drama?

feel this twitch inside me. Weird Feeling Junior. if only i could.

penguins for life!

i forgot what it feels like to be 'okay'.

'okay' being happy and boppy at the slightest thing, knowing the littlest thing can make you happy, that just lying on your bed doing nothing and feeling nothing but peace can make you feel normal. that you can actually say "dont worry, i'll be okay tmr" and actually know that tmr when you wake up its gonna be a sunny day without any internal conflict.

sometimes i feel like shrugging it off. i want to be okay. and this voice inside my head keeps repeating, i want you to be okay.

i lay on my bed today blasting music and i still didnt feel 'okay' okay.
but i'm okay. a degraded level of okay, that is.

thank God for people who didnt do as well as me. they give me every reason to give thanks. (cept for tze's case, who serves to boost my ego.) thank God for people who did way better than me. they serve as a reminder to tell me that i'm still crap and i have a long, long way to go. and also that i'm not genius and i need to start taking after my brother and really, work my arse off. and most importantly i thank God that i am in a good enough position to help those who need help.

now to my photography task that is long overdue.

says my econs teacher:

"alright. i've got your assessments here. make sure your table is clear of all sharp objects. i dont want anyone cutting wrists and i dont want to see blood on tables"

"with your parents, do the dripping effect. tell them about your exam results one day at a time. then they wont get the shock of their lives when they get your report."

damn, my IC teacher should be the one saying that.

thank You, God.

harry's last post was articulation at its best.

brilliant.

simple, straight forward, to the point.

i like it.

it's been frustrating me lately that i can't seem to write properly. i WANT to write, but whatever affinity i've ever had with words is currently missing in action.

two things in my life that i actually enjoy: photography and writing. and i can do neither because my lack of... i don't even know what i lack.

it makes me sad.

but i'll be ok tomorrow.

^^

haiyaaaa.
hmpf.
hnnnnn.
pffft.
meh.

dont worry, be happy!

there are people who i really really love to spend time with. it doesnt matter what you do, whether its sitting down in a cafe and simply talking while sipping your coffee; having dinner at a fast food joint in a little booth thinking you're secluded from the rest of the world; shopping for christmas gifts together; or just being at home and talking. these are the people i really hold dearly to me.

but.

for those in singapore (practically all of them), i see them 6 weeks in a year. to cram all the meetings we would have had in the year down to those 6 weeks, multiplied by the number of people i want to spend time with, works out to be more tiring than enjoyable. you just cant cram a whole year's meetings down in 6 weeks and hope that'll be enough to last you the remaining 46 weeks of the year without them. it just doesnt work that way.

plus all of them are studying hard. communication is down to zilch.

here, i have one such person. thats all the more why time with you is never enough. haha, it will never be either.

i wonder what this lack is doing to me. i love my holidays cause yea, that's the closest to independence that i want, that i can get. to go out with whoever i want, wherever, whenever; hardly any questions asked.

i want to go back now.

the lack. its appreciating what you have that makes you content. there's you and You. but time is never enough.

its been too long. and i wonder how much longer.

i want to hold a hand. let me know someone's there. but when there's no hand to hold, you hold your own. and immediately you find yourself in a position to pray. and then it reminds you that you're really not alone at all.

just gotta hold on to that and apply it.

my answer is You.

EMO POST ALERT [hate using pop culture words]

dont worry if i start crying and you didnt do anything, cause i dont know why i started either.
dont worry if i'm unusually quiet, just steer clear.
dont stop me if i'm laughing like an idiot, let me.
dont stop me if i'm being crazy and wild and loud. just allow me that.

my lime sorbet candle is still acting weird.

haha, i hope this doesnt last long.

dont worry, i'm okay.
___________________
(continuation)

today i got to stargaze. with the great weather and somehow, there were PLENTY OF STARS. so i sat there and admired. and looked for my star(s). but i couldnt find it. thought i could at least draw some comfort from them..but nope, denied. hnnn.

i know they're there. i just wonder why i couldnt see them, or why they were hiding from me.

then i came outta choir and there was none around. and table tennis isnt a good sport if you need an outlet. you dont even need to be angry for the ball to bounce out of the table. its..an interesting one.

i feel fragile. once broken, considered sold. wonder how many times that has happened to me, and whether it has already happened now.

i havent been sleeping recently. i've merely been closing my eyes.

i'm gonna sleep with my candle burning all through the night. seems like its the only source of comfort i have left. mmm.

i shine because of you today
_______________________

i dont believe it. even my candle's dying on me.

it never rains but it pours.

better get used to it.

she stands alone.

surrounded by a sea of half familiar faces.

still, alone.

she hears echoes of laughter, feels freedom like rain on her skin, smells secrets never told, never forgotten.

all strangely surreal.

she remembers the promise he made; never to leave, always to keep her safe.

but she is alone.

so she learns.

never again.

of emotional unstableness, hybrid words and unrest.

"Golijah."
i owe Pastor an apology for that. i was technically not laughing at him, but at that word. and its not even really funny, specially hymn 217. oh boy. i'm gonna keep laughing like an idiot for a bit.

when you can hear your heartbeat echo through your body, is that supposed to be a good thing? i hear it and i feel it and..its not all that soothing.

i didnt see a shooting star ytd.

my day started off with EVERYONE MAKES ME SAD. then it progressed to LAUGH NON STOP LIKE AN IDIOT. i dont know whats next.

haiya.

Your hand upholds me; i know You love me

i am a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
a vapour in the wind
still You hear me when i'm calling
Lord You catch me when i'm falling
and You told me who i am
i am Yours

-

i have nothing to say. i think i'm gonna go sleep. yea, the headache's back.
sing fling wing thing king ming bling wring sling.