i've realized.

nobody ever knows for sure that they're going to be ok.

but they say they will be anyway.

because nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow, what's going to happen in the next second. every moment is life-changing, no matter how insignificant it may seem now, whether you believe it or not. what you do now can and will have an effect on the final outcome of everything. it's bigger than us.

and we just don't want to face that.

which is why even though there's plenty of shit going on in the world, even though there are a lot of people worse off out there, the only person you are capable of feeling sorry for is yourself. yes, you care about others, you empathize with their plights, their circumstances are heart-wrenching, but in the end, you still feel as if you're going through shit that's bigger than everything else.

because it's about you.

and only you know what's going on in your life; how much crap you have to put up with everyday. nobody else can ever understand your pain and frustration, because they don't know and they don't bother to ask. all they care about is themselves and their own trivialities. they don't care about you at all.

they lie to your face when they tell you that you'll be ok, when inside, everyone knows you won't. so no, you're not going to be ok. and you refuse to lie to yourself.

why? because you are priority number one.

there's no caring just because you do, full stop. there's caring, then bringing back the shittiness you feel for others, adding it to your own, and feeling more shitty about it all which leads to more wallowing. and it's freaking depressing for yourself.

we all get caught up in ourselves sometimes. it's not something you can really control. it just happens, and unless you pull yourself out, you'll just burrow deeper into that little shithole of a pit you've fallen into.

tell yourself you will be ok.
lie.
because the truth is what you make of it, and maybe all you need to do is adjust your parameters a little to achieve another type of "okay" - not one that's better, or worse.
just different.


i don't even remember where this post was going. i don't remember why i started it, and i don't know how to end it.

i am okay. seriously. i am.
maybe i'm really deluded, but i honestly believe that i will be ok in the end. trust Him to make it work out. you don't necessarily need strength and perseverence and willpower to get through the hard stuff; sometimes all you need is a smile - the simplest thing in the world, and at the same time, the most difficult.


when the river starts to flow too fast, when it tosses us around, we don't give up and let it take us. we keep swimming. we have to.

but it's important that we swim in the right direction.