why is it okay for others to tell you that you're too young for something, yet its not okay to tell others that you're too young for something? why is it not okay for you to impose limits on yourself while its perfectly fine for others to do it for you? shouldn't you know yourself better than others?

'tis the season for worry. worrying about exams and about people who got injured during the carnival. worry robs concentration and focus. in some cases, it also starts to rip you apart. funnily enough, exams are the least of my worries. go figure.

its back to being home alone again. and holing myself in my room doing whatever i want. and nice ambience flower lights that come from the kids department of ikea. back to a messy room and my bean chair. finally feels like home again.

remember, i shine because of you guys.
you, me and Him.

just let me say how much i love You;
and you.

if i could have one wish, it'd be to have a few more wishes to start with. then i'd start making my wishlist.

right now, the wishes that i ask for show a high level of immaturity, something i dont like to let others know i have, but they still come forward anyway. they do not consider the consequences behind them and think only of the me myself and i. so here goes:

i wish i could be all by myself. in my own house, with my own car, complete with total independance and freedom (sounds so much like your typical angsty teenager. i apologise)

i wish i didnt have to think about the consequences of my actions.

i wish i could do whatever i want whenever i want.

i wish i could drive and go wherever i want, whenever i want, with whomever i want.

(notice its all about wants?)

i wish i couldn't have a care in the world.

i wish life was simple. my definition of simple.

i wish i could spend more time with the people i love. especially the ones who matter the most.

i wish i could relive some of the good 'ol days complete with memories framed in my head.

i wish everything were that simple.

until then, i guess i'll just have to keep hoping. so substitute that into all the statements in place of the word 'wish' and maybe we'll see things in a better light (: for once, everything would be in the present tense, rather than in past tense.

live life to the max! i'm not gonna leave any room for regret.

and oh, i hope i found a way to get rid of nightmares. if not, i hope i find one soon (:

let's forget we're running out of time

post no.171

dear mum and dad,

i want to go on a mission trip. you know i want to, too. but you're not supportive of it. you give excuses, saying that i'm too young or that it will be during the monsoon season. i am disappointed and upset. being young is a poor excuse, for i am 16 and i find myself mature enough for it. the bible mention many young people who were called into service at a tender age. do you doubt my abilities to shine? do you think i am not capable of the task before me?

there is never a good age to go. 18 may seem ideal, but what if i dont make it for my 18th birthday? what if somewhere along the way, an accident happens, the bright future turns bleak and everything just goes wrong? if and when that happens, i dont want you to think back and regret not letting me go for the one thing i really wanted to do.

i've never been really passionate about anything; not music, not even photography. but the one thing that i am passionate about is going out there and being a blessing to the world. please do not deny me that.

i know that no matter what happens, God's will is going to prevail, despite obstacles in my way. i know that if it truly is in God's will, He will make a way when it seems impossible. that He will use this so that i can testify of just how amazing He is. i will pray and persevere. i will see His will unfold in my life.

it's sad to see that you do not encourage me in my plans, especially this one. i would think you'd be proud of me and what i want to do. i dont feel that i am not able to do it, despite being barely 16. i've been waiting to do this all my life, and i'm not gonna pass it up when the opportunity comes by. i'd go ahead and proceed with my plans if i could, except you hold my passport. i really feel like this is the right thing to do, and i dont want to give this up.

i'll be praying. and i'll be watching. i hope in His time, you'll understand.

love,
your daughter.
____________________

my hands are cold.
i need fluff.
i need someone to warm my hands and heart.
i certainly could do with some warmth now.
a hug would be plain heavenly.

nothing is more beautiful than the love that has weathered the storms of life.

today i was talking to a girl who knew my best friend back in singapore. she used the word 'slutty' on her. she probably didnt know that she was my best friend, and i didnt tell her either. the best part was i didnt even try defending her. which got me thinking for a bit.

maybe in the eyes of others, she may seem slutty or bitch-like. i wouldnt actually be surprised. but i've never thought of her in that way. and i found myself thinking that even if the whole world thought she was a slut or bitch, i still wouldnt. maybe on the outside, just because she's friendly to the guys and cause she's pretty and hot by their definition, all the girls think badly about her. maybe its her outgoing and forthright personality that causes her this trouble. but from someone who's an 'insider', so to speak, i just cant see her like that.

maybe she has changed on the outside, over the years. but i know deep down inside, she's still the same girl that i love to hang out with. i know the very essence of her is very much the same. even if the world were to turn their backs on her, i'd still love that girl for who she is. the bubbly, crazy girl who's never shy. the girl who i can proudly sing on the back of a packed bus with to christian songs even if everyone around us thinks we're weird.

it all comes down to peeling back the layers. what's at your core?

i have thoughts that are scattered and cant exactly express properly.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

It is back.

It always visits annually (for the past three years anyway). It always comes in the same way. It always attacks me in the same manner. And after two experiences with It i still cant handle it well.

i hate It.

It starts off simple enough, with a sore throat from eating something that's way too sweet (this time, it was the Heaven hot chocolate made from real chocolate drops), that starts a tiny cough cause of irritation. then it goes to a full-blown cough that clogs your throat and finally it gives you cough spasms.

every year the same thing happens, and every year i let It happen. every year when this happens my mum's always there to detect that my voice is off at the first sign and yell at me to take some cough medicine (if anything, i bet this horrible coughing thing came from her).

and every year, someone's always there to offer me a warm drink and to shower his love and care for me. you know who you are. thank you (:

forgive me if my coughing annoys you or if i'm contributing to noise pollution. give me a cup of warm water and maybe i'll shut up. no guarantees though.

let's hope this time round it wont be 6 weeks before we hear some uninterrupted silence again.

missing church today.

every time i don't go to church on sunday, i feel really lost. i don't know why.

sunday morning is meant for sleeping in until you almost make yourself late for church, and the only reason you get up is because you know you have to get to church. then after church, is sunday lunch. you see how it all revolves around church?

after the after-church lunch, is the sunday afternoon after after-church lunch nap - which, granted, is not very productive, but it's nice.

today, i got out of bed at 8.30 in the morning. normally i get up at 9.30. today, the first thing i did was turn on the lappy. usually, the first thing i do is find food otherwise i'd miss breakfast. today, i blog at 10.30 in the morning. usually, i'm in the car on the way to church. today, i have to COOK LUNCH. usually we'd pick up hungry jacks or something along the way.

today, i'm lost.

when i should be found.

sometimes you can be so sure of things that are about to happen. i believe its called confidence.

like how i have confidence that my now-dying throat will be perfectly alright for singspiration tmr (note: not practises) and will die immediately after that, leaving me with a hoarse voice and the need to absolutely conserve my voice so that i'll be able to sing 'You Raise Me Up' the next day. beautiful Saviour will be tricky though. i cant even sing it regularly when my voice isnt half dead, let alone now.

its okay, its all beautiful (:

the cliche line of 'if its meant to be, it'll eventually come back to you' is one that i find quite true, especially when you're not on the receiving end. it is true, ties in with God's will and plan for you. you know when God's trying to tell you smth. He makes it so obviously its hard to think otherwise.

i feel inspired to write a short story. cept i dont have inspiration for the short story at all ;p

haha, cant wait to see if i'm right (:

today today, its ALL OR NOTHING!

frienships are funny.

funny how sometimes, your friendship with someone becomes an unspoken understanding. not in the sense that you can complete each others' sentences. i'm talking about a different kind.

it's a conditional sort of friendship but there isn't a need for words to define its boundaries; there isn't a need to explain yourself. you just know that the other person doesn't need you right now, or that he or she does and you need to be there for them.

it's not a particularly beautiful friendship.

but it works.

you're not best friends; far from it, i would say. but you're close and know enough about each other to not want to know the rest. or to not need to. does that make sense? you're comfortable, sometimes so comfortable the lines get a little blurry. soft, fluffy cushions are nice. but too fluffy and you start to suffocate a little.

i'm confusing myself now because i'm thinking of two relationships i have with different people that are similar on one level, yet totally different on another. can't think straight. getting jumbled and mixed up.

sheep are blur.

there can be miracles when you believe
though hope is frail, its hard to kill
who knows what miracles you can achieve
when you believe, somehow you will
you will when you believe