i finished my term at long last, and i wished i had someone to go crazy with.
all those i want to go nuts with, i cant.

it's always like that.

photos are very special things.
they speak out, bring the memories back.

went through my photos today and came across one i took at the cny dinner at my house this year. wasnt meant to be at my house, but cause of an electrical glitch at applecross it got moved to my house, and we only had an hour to tidy up. still remember the events of that day clearly.

i scanned the photo and saw all the faces. lots of stupid faces and all, typical; i liked that photo cause of the candidness. then i stopped when i came to uncle weekoon. and all my feelings just unraveled before me.

at the time the photo was taken, he hadn't been diagnosed with cancer yet. his family was happy without the torment of having to go through the ordeal. it was all good. you'd never have thought of anything.

then life hits you like a big, yellow bus and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

its been more than 6 months since the news, he's been to hongkong and back, he's been through hopefully the last of his treatment. things have been hard for him and his family. i cant imagine how much. his face has shrunk, all of him has. its been so trying for him, but he's been doing a fantastic job. i admire him for his courage and bravery.

sometimes i see him driving to the park to exercise in the evening. when i walk past and see him there, i dont know what i feel, but something stirs inside me.

i dont know why i'm getting so emotional.

i guess i rather bear the burden for someone than see someone carrying their pain. sometimes it gets a bit too much for me.

i'm actually quite a serious girl (or guy, or whatever). i take everything with a degree of seriousness. when someone starts coughing, its like i make a big fuss out of nothing, that kind of thing.

but every time i dont take things quite so seriously, shit happens.

there was a time at school my friend told me she had a headache. i didnt care, i thought she was just making a big deal out of nothing, trying to get attention, smth along those lines. next time i know, she faints behind me -_-

talk about feeling guilty.

then this morning, someone didnt feel great after a test, i brushed it off cause i felt quite alright about the same test i did. i walk into the locker area, and she's so distressed she's crying, tears streaming down her face.

i dont know whether trying to right your wrongs is a good enough justification for situations you could have changed.

i wonder if its my fault.

i need a hand over my heart.

i dont know what is happening.

the very shell that burdens the turtle is also what keeps it safe, what protects it from danger. it may feel sad and overladen carrying it around all the time, but at the end of each day, it is into that very shell that it will retract, where it will sleep, sound in the knowledge that it is safe in it's home.

mm nights are currently my worst part of the day.
i think i know what i need, but it seems near impossible to get it.

not emo..just like that. jaded is a good word.

its funny how my life is a constant cycle and repetition of patterns. its boring. its good though, means its predictable.

how sad must a turtle be carrying a constant weight and burden on its back all day long?

my definition of a cute guy.

today i told someone quite offhandedly, "i trust you.".
his reply was, "yea well, you're one of the only ones who do."

i wonder what its like not to be trusted all your life. that hearing the words 'i trust you' is a rarity. to have people not believe in you. that a simple 'i trust you' would ring beautifully in their ears.

i guess i would do whatever i can to help a person's self-esteem, or whatever you want to call that. from risking my hair to taking a jump without really knowing if there's gonna be anyone to catch my fall.

its funny; i never knew i trusted that easily. guess it depends on who we're talking about.

today someone labelled the book of Job as 'emo'.
today we danced in the darkroom.
today bible study was pretty productive.
today was a hot day.
today's come, and is going soon. just like the whole of 2007.

still cant believe its september.

when i look at you holding my heart
i will give to you all that i have


today i shine because of You, and you.