not to mention that stupid rope tied around my neck.

"I'm not an emo teenager, hell no, I'm not. I just have alot of bad things happening to me and I don't know where to start cleaning up from."

funny, my best friend wrote that and its exactly how i feel.

its funny how i can never have a proper, nice, amazingly beautiful relationship that isnt tainted.
funny how there's always something stopping me from being really close to someone, and it almost always isnt me.
funny how this is a recurring pattern in my life.

God, are you trying to prepare me for whats ahead when you call me to be say, a missionary and send me to Africa or something?

it hurts so much though. they say it takes a loss to make you appreciate what you have. but with this, i was already cherishing every moment and appreciating it all. that just makes it harder.

BIG SIGH.

oh well.

the promise was when everything fell, we'd be held.

i woke up this morning and.. i miss you a lot.
so, so much.

i have a lot to tell you. i wish i could.



i'm fine.
kitkats are nice.

i shouldn't feel like this.
it's suddenly so hard.

taking pains to be careful on one hand.

almost completely letting go on the other.

but it's clear.

cut and clean.

not happening.

so why am i so confused?

kings park.
lots of green.
2-sec timer shots.
fun photos.
small crowd.
lots of annoying crows.
refreshing, but not so.
lots of food and pigging out.
running for buses.
sponsored lime green top mmm.

wanting time out alone.
home.
kill!

fun.

what a difference a day makes
and the difference is you.

of early mornings and holidays,
of cool breezes and its freshness,
of shining stars and shooting ones,
of simply standing in awe.

of loving no matter what the cost,
of keeping promises despite the pain,
of hoping when it seems dismal,
of never giving up.

of helplessness,
of sitting and wishing,
of giving your best,
of knowing.

-

of satisfying food experiences,
of songlists and dried brains,
of freezing nights and single layered clothes,
monday, 9 july 07.

all it took was one smash to the head to let everything i was holding in back out again.


sometimes you wish time would just stand still. you dont want to continue but the world just keeps revolving around you. you dont want to do anything but time keeps passing. life is harsh, sometimes. it doesnt leave sympathy for you. life keeps going on around you even as yours seems to come to a standstill. and when you finally get a move, you find you've got too much to catch up on.

sorry, no happy thoughts to share.