Black beauty and the six midgets

With a guest star appearance by Superman

Starring:

Jon as Black beauty

Sarah as Feisty the midget

Kim as Greedy the midget

Jess as Bashful the super-midget

Casper as Sleepy the midget turtle

Amy as Noisy the midget

Leon as Grumpy the midget

Karina as Evil stepmother

Ken as Superman

DISCLAIMER: this story is entirely fictional, borne of the delusions of mike, and fed by the people that read it. Read, but no offence to anyone, because all events, characters, and locations are purely fictional. Any resemblance to real life events, characters, and locations is purely coincidental… YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

There once lived a very interesting little boy. His name was Black Beauty, but everybody called him Jon. He lived in the village of Wesley, which wasn’t a particularly lovely village.

But, Jon was a rather bright kid, and everybody looked to him as a mentor. Every Tom, Dick, Harry, and indeed, every Kanye, looked to him for help and advice. Whether it was to fix a car, or to deliver the baby of a cow, Jon was the woman to see. He was always eager to help, and had this annoyingly cheesy grin on his face at all times.

But all was not what it seemed. For though the villagers of Wesley looked up to him, and thought of him as their MVP, Jon himself had a pretty sucky family life. He lived with his evil stepmother, who was not unlike the one in the children’s fairytale Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Not only did Jon have to cook, clean, and even take care of his two stepsisters and their ugly, hairless little Chihuahuas, he was constantly abused by the evil stepmother.

The stepmother had a shrink – something very common in the village of Wesley, seeing as most people living there were psychotic in some way. She told the shrink all her problems, including her desperation to be the center of attention. Her need to be needed, and her lifelong dream of becoming the queen of the world.

The shrink diagnosed her with having a severe inferior complex, and told her that she would never get over it until she banished the things that were superior to her. So Karina had the Chihuahuas dognapped, arranged for something mysterious to happen to Oprah, and also [just as a safety measure] had Jon sent to The Woods.

Jon thought this was really great, his stepmother taking him along to The Woods to pick Poisonberry. He saw it as a chance to bond with her. Man, he’s so innocent, it hurts your teeth to look at him. So he didn’t find it suspicious when Karina said she needed to go take a piss. When she didn’t come back after 45 minutes, he came to the conclusion that the piss had become Number 2, and continued picking Poisonberries. When Karina didn’t come back after 6 hours, Jon started to worry. He worried that he had gone too far away for her to find him, and he felt bad. So as punishment to himself, he ate three Poisonberries.

They tasted good, so he ate another three. And another, and another. He began a frenzy of picking Poisonberries from the bushes around him, cause they tasted so damn good. Until…

“HEY, STOP HOGGING THE POISENBERRIES!!!”

He turned around to find… nothing. But he felt someone staring at him accusingly, and immediately looked down at his feet in shame. He was shocked, however, to find that there was this HORRIFIC little thing staring up at him from the ground. His first thought was “AAAAAH!!! A DEMON FROM HELL!!!” before realizing that it was just a very ugly midget.

“Oh, hello there, err… mad- sir? I mean, miz, err… no?” he couldn’t quite figure out if the midget was male or female, because it was so ugly.

“Why are you eating my berries, huh?” the ugly midget demanded. “You wanna start something, you thief? DID YOU JUST CALL ME SHORT? Think I can’t take you on? I’ll show you, BRING IT ON!!!”

Jon was confused. All he had said was “hello” and the midget had suddenly launched into a monologue of… he didn’t know what.

There was a rustling in the bushes. “What are you making all this noise about, kim?” somebody asked.

The ugly midget yelled back “This asshole’s stealing my berries. I need them. You know what happens when you don’t eat? YOU DIE!!!”

A figure stepped out of the bushes, and Jon screamed. “AAAAAH!!! MORE MIDGETS.”

“WHAT DID YOU CALL US???” the new midget demanded. “you think you’re so big? Huh? You wanna fight? YOU WANNA?? I CAN TAKE YOU ON ANY DAY.”

“who’s making all the noise, now, sarah?” kim asked smugly.

“CAN YOU LOT JUST SHUT UP??” a voice boomed from beyond the bushes. “SOME of us are actually trying to WORK here.” A scrawny midget with an impossibly small guitar popped up out of nowhere. He was carrying a mini amp, too.

“You? Working? LIKE HELL, LEON!!” sarah yelled back.

“Please stop fighting,” a soothing, lilting female voice said. A baby walked out from behind the bushes. Jon realized that she wasn’t a baby, she was just a… a… a SUPER MIDGET!!!

The super midget spoke again. “You nearly woke Casper up. and you know what he’s like when he’s awake.”

“As long as Amy doesn’t start talking, I’m fine,” Leon declared.

Jon’s head was spinning. He was six feet tall and he was surrounded by creatures that barely reached his knees. “STOP TALKING YOU LITTLE… PEOPLE!!!” he yelled. “I’m getting a headache.”

“that’s actually cause you ate all those Poisonberries,” kim said, just before Jon collapsed to the ground in an epileptic fit.

------------------------------

When he woke, Jon found himself in a quaint little cottage that smelled like burnt apples. “Where… where am i?” he asked sleepily. “And why is there a little person sleeping next to me?”

“Oh, that’s just Casper,” the midget he recognized as Sarah said. “Don’t worry about him, he’s always sleeping. In fact, you should worry when he’s NOT sleeping.”

Jon nodded. Not knowing what else to say. He noticed that kim was trying to wrestle a chicken drumstick from Leon in a corner of the room. Leon was banging the mini guitar on kim’s hugegantic head. Jess was talking softly to another midget who was replying very loudly in a voice that sounded like it could break a thousand windows – from thirty miles away.

Sarah spoke. “so you wanna stay here or run back to the ugly woman that abandoned you and left you to eat 30 poisenberries?”

Jon gave this some thought. In fact, he sat on the bed next to the sleeping Casper for six whole seconds before coming to his decision. “I’ll stay, thanks” he said.

“Good,” sarah said, “cause we really need somebody to do the cooking while we’re not around. Kim tried barbecuing chicken drumsticks just then, and ended up burning apples instead. That’s kim over there, getting smashed by leon’s guitar.”

Jon nodded. “Who’s the one that can’t stop giggling?” he asked.

“That’s amy.”

At that moment, Amy heard her name and skipped her way over to Jon. “Oooh!!! Is he a new toy? Can I pull his hair? *yanks* COOL!!! His hair comes off. *yanks again*.”

“OWW!!! Get off me you little imp!!!” Jon says.

“GASP!! You called me an imp. THAT’S SO HURTFUL. WAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

“Great,” Leon said. “the new guy’s an idiot,” he continued, as he spread the remains of kim all over the floor. “What?” he asked, seeing Jon’s expression. “it dries faster this way. Something to do with the larger surface area.”

So Jon lived with these six weird midgets. He stayed at home and cooked all the food. He didn’t need to do any laundry because the midgets only had one set of clothes anyway. He liked life with them. They were joyously eccentric, and everyday was a new adventure. He never knew when he was gonna get whacked over the head by Leon, yelled at by Sarah, or get his dinner [that HE cooked] stolen by Kim. He also gained a new responsibility – giving Amy voice lessons so that she could channel her vocals into something less destructive.

Casper, however, took some getting used to. He was found to be asleep all over the house, and Jon tripped over him several times during the first few days of his stay there. Casper slept everywhere, and somehow managed to shift locations every three hours, without ever waking up. Jon once had to drag the little midget out of the oven where he was using a couple of French loaves as bolsters.

So life went on, until one day… Karina knocked on the door. No, she wasn’t trying to poison him with an apple; that kind of stuff only happens in fairytales. She had, sadly, been shunned from the deranged village of Wesley when the villagers had found her guilty of disposing of the wondrous boy named Black Beauty, and she had been reduced to selling insurance door-to-door.

“Care to buy insurance, me dear boy?” she cackled through the window.

Jon, who suffered from short term memory, opened the door to the insurance woman, who instantly recognized him as the one who had brought her from a vain, silly woman to a salesperson earning her own living.

She got mad, and flew at Jon, only to find herself thrown backwards by a massive force… around her ankles. Jon gasped, for the unseen force was… wait for it, wait for it… CASPER THE MIDGET TURTLE. Casper the midget turtle had saved Jon by body slamming Karina into the wall and then spinning her around like one of them sticks those wushu people spin up above their head to look cool. Amazingly, he had managed to stay asleep the whole time.

Suddenly, the house was full of the midgets who had come home from a hard day working at the button factory. Kim was actually eating a handful of buttons, occasionally giving one to Sarah, who was trying to strangle Amy. They all froze when they saw the body of Karina lying on the ground there.

“Can we eat her?” someone asked.

Then, there was the loud blaring of tacky superhero music, and some dude in a Superman costume appeared at the doorway, striking a Superman pose with one hand on his hip, and the other pointing upwards, head looking out into the distance.

“You’re too late buddy,” Leon said. “Casper already beat the bad guy up.”

“Aww, man…” Superman said. “And I finally got my entrance right.”

“there there, Ken,” jess said, patting him on the back.

Superman started. “How did you know it was me? AHEM, I mean… my name is SUPERMAN. I know nothing about this ‘Kenneth’ that you speaketh of. Now, I shall fly off into the sunset. Where is the damsel in distress, that I may spirit her away to safety with me?”

Deformed midget fingers pointed at Jon.

“Err… maybe another day,” Superman said as he jogged off into The Woods, bringing his music with him.

So Jon was left to live with the six odd midgets forever and ever. And they all lived happily… for the next three minutes, cause that was how long it took for everyone to realize that Sarah had burnt the dinner… again.