i've come to a realization. and this is a truly profound one.

well, profound-ish.

and, as is always the case, it occured to me when i was totally stoning. not on pot, just... my natural state of stonenness.

so here's the profound realization... wait for it, wait for it............

i am not self-motivated.

yeah, ok, so it'd take an idiot to miss that one. there's more to it though. the most amazing part is that i realize that it is possible to motivate me.

not only that, i figured out how i can be motivated. i'm not sure if i can put it into words. i'll try.


no, hungry jacks is not the answer, although it may help.

motivation is probably not the most accurate word for this... but... if someone does their work, i'll do mine too. i know you know this is pretty much NEVER true of me [i don't usually even do work in class time, which is when there's LOTS of people doing work along with me]. oh i know. i get it now. let's start again.

i only do work if i don't have to. i mean, sure, i HAVE to do my work cause i HAVE to hand it in. but if you keep telling me to do it, i just won't. so when i do work, it's... borderline voluntary. if i have to do work, then at least let it be up to me to decide when and how i do it [not always the best decision, i grant you].

so when other people do their work, i do mine too. i'm not talking about those that do it in pure hatred and resentment, whinging every step of the way. nor am i talking about the people who do it cause they actually like it [cause that's just unfair]. i'm talking about the people who do it, just because.

that's not a strong point, because i can't put it properly.

basically, it makes me feel slightly shitty about being such a bum. which is not what motivates me, cause i'm used to that feeling. it's what i get after i see that person working. it's the feeling of i-should-just-do-it-ey that gets me moving. and when i get that feeling. i actually don't mind doing the work.

amazing, isn't it?